|THIS IS ART!|
Afore - Earlier than the time when.
Auld - Advanced in years.
By - Pertaining to.
baith - Affecting or involving one as well as the other.
bampot -A somewhat combustible individual.
baw - A spherical object.
beamer - Ruddy-cheeked display of embarrassment. See also riddie.
birling - Motion inclined to induce disorientation.
blooter - A hearty and full-blooded strike. See also lamp, scud, skelp, stoat.
boat hoose - Evidence of upward mobility; a privately owned dwelling.
bogey, the game’s a - Declaration of despair; resignation that all is lost.
brammer - An impressive specimen. See also stoater.
Brer - A male sibling.
Bubbling - Prolonged and self-pitying bout of tearfulness.
Bunnet - A fetching item of headgear.
Cadge - To solicit charitable donations of money or more often confectionary.
cheenies - Treasured orbs in the possession of the male.
chook, is it - Expression of profound scepticism .
clamped - Rendered lost for words.
clap - To stroke affectionately. “Ken them? I’ve clapped their dug!”
coupon - One’s visage.
crabbit - Of foul humour. See certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.
da Patriarchal - head of the household.
Dae - To effect, perform or carry out an activity.
deck - An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered horizontal with laughter. See also gut, pish.
deid - Expired, no longer with us, snuffed out, passed on, ceased to be.
Diddies - Protruberant milk-producing glandular organs situated on the chest of the human female and certain other mammals.
Dowt - The end of a cigarette, much coveted by impoverished but aspiring apprentice smokers.
Dug - Four-legged domesticated flesh-eating and leg-humping mammal of the wolf-descended genus Canis familiaris.
dunt - A small, controlled blow.
Dwam - A state of foggy befuddlement.
edgy, - the Look-out duty, usually in cover of nefarious deeds.
eejit - One not blessed with ample intelligence
Eppy - Paroxysms of uncontained anger.
erse - The posterior, buttocks or anus.
Fae - Used to indicate a starting point.
Feart - In a state of anxiety.
Fitba - Popular team sport known in some quarters as “soccer”, invented and given to the world by the Scots. English claims to have invented it rest on their having the first Football Association, which proves only that they invented football bureaucracy. Thanks a pantload, guys. You form yet another bloody committee and a hundred years later, we had to put up with Jim Farry.
fly -Sharp-witted and elusive.
fullsy-roundsies - Challenging skipping-rope technique, not for dilettantes. Comparison: see shoe-shaggy.
gallus - Term of glowing approval. Derives from description of that which is cheerfully bursting with self-confidence. The word comes from “gallows”, coined at at the hanging of a Glasgow thief and murderer known as Gentleman Jim, who had remained his smiling, cocksure and witty self right up until the drop.
gaun yersel - Shout of encouragement, insinuating the recipient needs no assistance to perform his attempted feat. Literally “go on yourself”.
Geezabrek- Invoked to wish for peace or better fortune.
Gemme - A match or playful diversion. One might request to join by entreating: “Geezagemme”.
Gemmie - Most enjoyable, highly approved.
gie - To transfer possession of something.
Ginger - Generic term for carbonated minerals. Despite billions of dollars spent on brand recognition and advertising, in Glasgow, Coke, Pepsi, Seven Up and Sprite are all referred to as ginger.
Greeting - Tearful outpouring of grief.
Gub - The human mouth, usually referring to a large and loud one.
gubbed - Soundly beaten, inferring the resultant metaphorical closing of the aforementioned large and loud gub whose outpourings occasioned the gubbing.
Guddle - A state of frantic uncoordination.
Guddling - A subtle means of angling practised without a rod or net.
gut - An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one’s innards rent asunder by laughter. See also deck, pish.
Hame - Where the heart is.
Haun - The end of the forelimb on human beings, monkeys etc utilising opposable thumbs in order to grasp objects. Also the appendages dragged along the ground at the end of Old Firm supporters’ sleeves.
Heid - Uppermost division of the human body, containing the brains, except in the case of Old Firm supporters. See erse.
Heidie - The headmaster.
Hing - An inanimate object as distinguished from a living being.
hingmy - All-purpose procrastinatory term for that which one cannot quite think of the name of yet. Equivalent of the French truc.
honking - Emitting a foul odour; poorly thought of. See St Mirren 2001-2004.
Huckled - Arrested or apprehended by agents of authority. See also lifted.
humping - The act of coitus.
jakey - Homeless indigent partial to Buckfast and superlager.
jakey sentence An undaunting custodial term, like those commonly conferred on the above.
Jammy - Enjoying extreme good fortune.
jinky - Swift-footed and elusive
jobbie - Malodorous human waste product..see my nickname!
Jooks - Outer garment extending from the waist to the ankles.
kb-ed - Rejected. Knocked back.
Keech - See Jobbie.
keek - To glimpse briefly or surreptitiously.
keeker - A black eye, rendering one able only to keek.
kerry-oot - A cargo of alcoholic refreshments purchased from an off-licence to be transported elsewhere for consumption.
Knock - To take without consent or permission and with no intention of returning it.
lamp - To strike out using one’s fist. See also blooter, scud, skelp and stoat.
lash - Leather tawse used for administering corporal punishment in Scottish schools. Outlawed in the 1980s less on humanitarian grounds than upon the belated realisation that the weans were having competitions to see who could get the most lashes.
Lavvy - Water closet.
Leather - To bring considerable force to bear upon an object or person. See also malky, panelling.
lifted - See huckled. That Lighthouse Family song never quite hit the same note north of the border.
lugs - Organs of hearing and equilibrium in humans, Old Firm supporters and other vertebrates.
Ma - Female parent of a child or offspring.
maist - To the greatest degree or extent.
malky - An act or instrument of extreme violence. See also leather, panelling.
maw - see Ma.
mention - Succinct and economical graffito stating simply one’s name.
mibbae - Perhaps.
Minging - See Honking.
Mockit - In a state of very poor cleanliness. See also Greenock.
moolsy - Selfish, ungenerous, disinclined to share one’s sweeties with half a dozen cadgers who wouldn’t give you the steam off their sh--- if it was the other way around.
morra (the) - The day after today.
nae - Denoting the absence of something
noggin - See Heid.
numpty - See Eejit.
old firm - Ingenious idiot-identification scheme which tags halfwits, criminals, thugs and assorted neerdowells voluntarily in blue or green-and-white garments, making them easier for the rest of us to avoid.
paisley (get off at) - To practice coitus interruptus.
pan breid - A soft loaf made with refined white flour. Also rhyming slang for deceased.
panelling - A brutal and inrestrained violent assault. See also leather, malky.
pish Urine; urinary function. Also an incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered incontinent by laughter. See also deck, gut, and Morton blowing promotion in 2004.
porteed, - you’re a Early playground declaration of intent to bring the authorities to bear upon a transgressor.
poke - A paper bag.
Polis - Organisation employed to harrass and intimidate under-twelves.
proddy - Member of the Protestant or Presbyterian faiths, or one perceived to be so due to non-attendance of a Catholic school.
puddock - A frog (“Aye, it’s a braw bird, the puddock”)
riddie - See beamer.
Sair - Painful.
sclaff - Poorly executed strike of a ball failing to make clean or well-directed contact. See Jose Quitongo.
scoobie - A clue, or inkling.
scud - In a state of undress. Also, to strike something with dull force. See also blooter, lamp, skelp and stoat.
scud book - A magazine celebrating the female form.
self-reference - See self-reference.
shoe-shaggy - Undemanding novice level of skipping ropes, swinging back and forth without describing full circles. Comparison: see fullsy roundsies.
Side - A proper match contested by two teams, as opposed to a kick-about or a game of crossy or three-and-in.
single fish - Serving of battered fish without chips which rather confusingly includes two fish. Also rhyming slang for urinary function.
skelp - To strike or slap. See also blooter, lamp, scud and stoat.
skitter - Diarrhoea; also anything watery, weak and poorly formed.
Skoosh - A task or prospect one expects to be less than taxing. Also a soft drink, usually uncarbonated.
snotters - Mucous discharge.
Sook - The act of, or one given to acts of sycophancy or ostentatious obedience.
square go - Pugilistic unarmed combat, with both parties ready and willing participants.
Steamboats - An advanced state of refreshment. See stocious.
staun - To stand.
Stauner - When one’s member chooses independently to stand.
Stoat - See skelp, scud, lamp etc
stoater - See brammer.
stocious - See steamboats.
stowed - Crammed to capacity.
swatch - A brief glance.
tanned - Subject to an act of robbery.
thae -- That.
tight - Descriptive of a young lady of robust moral virtue, who probably has nae tits anyway.
toe - A strike at a football making up in brute power what it lacks in accuracy and panache.
wan - The singular; one.
Weans - Children.
winching - The romantic pursuit of young ladies.
wrang - The opposite of right.
yin - The singular. See also Wan.
yins - Multiples of the singular.